VAZPUIG MUSIC SPOTLIGHT: Halfway to Moksha

Halfway to Moksha - FRIDAY

Miami's Indie Film Scene: Shine On You Crazy Diamond

Miami is famous for many things: beaches and clubs perfuse with alcohol, the 'real' housewives, bi-weekly cocaine-driven sex parties, etc...  And while these things are certainly not "bad", per say, they have had the ill effect of diminishing Miami's presence as an artistic and cultural beacon.

What people see when they think Miami (side-boob)

Fortunately, A number of unsung heroes continue to fight this very prejudice by manipulating media with the artistry one only gains from success, failure, and a furious passion for creation. I'm talking about the indie film movement. Case in point: Mupalia Pictures. (see below for website)

Created from the ground up by college students Alex Jaramillo, Steven San Miguel, and Joaquin "Waco" Escobar; Mupalia Pictures represents the epitome of the positive sum game. This is because Mupalia Pictures has committed itself to the advancement of its contemporaries by providing unrivaled, professional quality video production while still earning a substantial profit. The filmmakers, bands, and rappers that have worked with Mupalia then go on to market their own product and, in doing so, Mupalia's production value as well. It is this interwoven network of performers, artists, and producers that strive to break Miami's superficial exterior.

Little by little the efforts of independent film makers in Miami have made a name for this city only to be slandered by shitty ass money hungry movies such as From Justin to Kelly, Bad Boys 1 and 2, 2 Fast 2 Furious, and countless others. Those outside of Miami need to realize that beyond the fake titis lies a core of movie makers unwilling to accept Miami's role as a vacation spot, but rather a cultured contributor to the world of cinema alongside L.A., New York, and Chicago. It is not until the world recognizes the talent born from the sun-scarred streets of Miami that these warriors will stop.

And for that,
Alec gives his Robot Goldfish Stamp of Approval

If you would like more information on Mupalia Productions or view a sample of their work please visit http://mupalia.com/ or contact Alex jaramillo at (305) 807-6891 or jara@mupalia.com

BLACKER THAN THE BLACKEST BLACK TIMES INFINITY - ASU gets new Uniforms

BLACK DEVILS

ASU unveiled their new logo, helmets and uniforms today. I have to admit...I love it. I love the new white on white combo. I like the new Basketball unis. I LOVE the new helmets. And the Black on Black is freaking awesome. I can't wait to see Vontaze terrorize QBs in this black nasty jersey. Beware Pac-12...ASU is Back in Black!

Why God Hates Hockey

Ladies and gentlemen the Lord is a simple man....that's right MAN...and as such he enjoys the simple pleasures of simple men. Power, violence, decapitation,  re-animation of the dead, just to name a few.

Among his favorite avocations lies competition. The evidence of this is overwhelming from the Hail Mary Pass, to the Immaculate Reception, to the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles of Anaheim or whatever the fuck they're called.

The point is God loves sports. But despite his enthrallment with athletics why does he hate hockey so much?

Is it the bone crushing checks?   

Alexander Ovechkin quotes Exodus 21:24, "a tooth for a tooth"  

The moral and physical hazard?

Is it the New Jersey Devils?

Actually, Its none of these things. In fact, God loves hockey! Here you can see his one and only son dominating between the pipes. No, God does not hate hockey....

God Hates Canadians!!! Once removed from the unholiest of unholy French, the Canadians represent all that is wrong with the world. Sitting idly by while God's Chosen People, Americans, fight terror, tyranny, Michael Moore, and douche bags everywhere. Not content with the honor of being America's hat, Canada unrelentingly and unrepentantly claim comradery with the United States of Awesome while simultaneously undermining freedom, democracy, and the glorious conquest of the Middle East. Grow a spine Canada! and until you do God will continue to hate you and hockey.

Hipsters Suck

Hipsters Suck

 Hipsters fucking suck. I had to say it. They MADE me. Every generation has had its obnoxious "subculture" that thinks it's ironic and hip. The Egyptians had the Hebrews. The 60s had the hippies. The 90s had that Seattle grunge bullshit. And we are stuck with hipsters, the venereal disease of American culture in the 21st century.


What is a hipster? Hipsters are the bastard children of the EMO generation and Andy Warhol's penis. They're the pretentious scumbags that hang around your local coffee shop at 4 in the afternoon talking about legalizing Hemp and how progressive the French are. These "people" think that socialism is a "great idea that was practiced wrong" and that any song you've ever heard of sucks. They're dumb enough to think they're Zen and buddhist despite the fact that smoke pot and abide by literally none of what that religion says. Their definition of hip and new is wearing their grandpa's clothes and reading Jack Kerouac.


Listen, you're "subculture" is stupid and you need to STFU. Mainstream music is popular...because it's freaking good. You're spoken word poetry isn't...because it sucks. No, you're novella isn't a breathtaking social commentary on consumerism. It's the whining petty manifesto of a 19 year old living at home who still can't get over the fact he isn't Allen Ginsberg's second coming. If socialism is such a great idea, then why has EVERY SINGLE example of it failed miserably? Maybe if you left the coffee shop, got a job and started paying your own damn rent, you'd realize that capitalism puts food on the table and taxes suck.

I have never seen a situation in which so many people with such limited knowledge of economics, literature and religion are somehow seen as the "progressive intellectuals that are moving this country forward". None of their ideas are original and I've never seen a hipster contribute anything to society, much less design a building, cure a disease or create a business that employs people and actually turns a profit. They're a bunch of over dramatic penises that need to get off their bean bags, leave the H&M scarf at home and do something productive for once.

VazPuig BORE-maggedon Spotlight

Any pretentious film student would tell you that there have been many abominations throughout the history of film. Some were made by the tireless efforts of the great Ed Wood. Some starred Hulk Hogan under the guise of a Nanny, an Alien, and Santa Claus. One redefined the term 'shitty movie' under the direction of senile softcore porn director Tommy Wiseau. Some would even say that Katherine Heigel's whole career is a character study on bad films.

None however reach the level of atrocity as the 'dance flick' Saturday Night Fever. This steaming stinking pile of grade A monkey crap ruined American culture in the 1970s. The premise is hot garbage. The dialogue is unbearable. The acting is nothing short of unwatchable. And somehow this masterpiece of shit is celebrated by critics.

Saturday Night Fever is not only the worst film ever made, it is the worst thing to ever come out of New York (the place that gave us the New York Knicks, Fat Joe, and Mike "the Situation"). It is the downfall of American culture. It is disco studded eye rape. Every time that movie comes on....the terrorists win.

SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER

Starring: John "the Scientologist" Travolta, a bunch of other fucking obnoxious New Yorkers

Director: Joseph Stalin

Genre: Hot Garbage

Run-Time: 118 fucking minutes (1 hour, 58 minutes)

Plot:

19 year old Tony Manero dreams about one day destroying all self-respect and dignity by dancing like a puffy haired faggot for almost 2 hours.

The Good:

It eventually ends.

The Bad:

Every single thing.

The Rating:

I'm not even giving it 0 Chainsaws. That would put it in a league with far superior films like Encino Man, Santa with Muscles, and Meet the Spartans. What I will say is that Saturday Night Fever is a national tragedy along the lines of Pearl Harbor. It weakened our resolve, empowered our enemies, and ruined countless lives along the way. It is a VazPuig BORE-maggedon on a playing field of its own.

THE BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE...of the week

REBECCA BLACK

Need I say more? This 13 year old prophet shook the world to its core by reminding us how important that day after Thursday really is. The song of our generation brought to light some of our culture's deepest and darkest issues with a 3 minute social commentary that touched people from all walks of life. Issues like having to be "fresh" and having to go down stairs. The philosophical conundrum of deciding between sitting in the front seat or the back seat. Yes, we we we so excited about this young pop legend. FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN!!

 

Rosa Parks...sitting in the front seat

THE WORST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE...of the week

CLOWNS!!!!

Giant, Marauding, Godless Killing Machines. I've had it up to ten feet above my head with these red nosed sociopaths. These glorified balloon blowers are flesh eating maniacs hell bent on world domination. These white faced racists need to be locked up Guantanamo style, for every day that they roam  the streets...the terrorists win.

The Clown epidemic dates all the way back to the Battle of Thermopylae, where King Xerxes unleashed a horde of 70,000 Persian clowns (then known as 'the Immortals') to devour what was left of King Leonidas and his 300 soldiers. Since then we have seen generation after generation of clown induced tragedies. Dating back to 1700, 45 serial murderers were confirmed clowns including Jack the Ripper, Hitler, and John Wayne Gacy (Stalin was removed from this list when it was discovered his mother was half mime).

Ladies and Gentleman I warn you, take the clown threat seriously. If we do not act and act now, America will become reduced to wasteland of cheap magic tricks, balloon dogs and cackling maniacal face painted cannibals.

THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD

Hosni Mubarak

Hosni Mubarak is the perfect example of someone who is not bi-winning. This has nothing to do with the fact that he was an evil dictator who oppressed his people for 30 years. The real reason why he is the worst person in the world is because he's an evil dictator that GAVE-UP power at the first sign of revolution. I mean, come-on, are you seriously going to tell me that you'll treat your people like crap, then as soon as people start fighting back you start crying and give-up your position. You need to seriously drink some tiger blood and grow a spine. Look at Moammar Gaddhafi. Now I am not trying to say that killing your own people is in anyway ethical, but at least he did something. So all I am trying to say is that if you want to be an evil dictator, then grow a freaking spine. I know you cant though. You want to know why I know you cant? It is because, you are THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD.

BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD

Charlie Sheen

There are two kinds of people in this world: The WINNING and the not-winning. Charlie Sheen is definitely winning. Over the past two weeks he has been all over the media, and you want to know why? because he's a complete bamf, thats why. It all started when he did an interview for 20/20 and instead of letting some lady no one cares about make him feel like shit for snorting enough blow to kill China, he decides to stick it to the bitch and show to everybody how much of a bad-ass he truly is. After the interview the people from Webster's Dictionary had to add a few new words to their dictionaries. "Bi-winning"(the act of winning in multiple locations) and tiger blood(What runs through Sheen’s veins, making him all-powerful). He was also able to prove that it is possible to bone your kid's nanny and a pornstar...at the same time. Since coming out of the "Awesome-Closet", Charlie has been on possibly every single show from Howard Stern to the Dan Patrick Show. To most people, this would be so physically demanding that their bodies would decompose into a fiery grave, but not Charlie because he is THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.

2011 NICK - ademy Awards!

Welcome to the Golden Chainsaws!

I've redone the nominee and winners lists of the Oscars to fit what I think was of the best last year. The winners are awarded the Golden Chainsaw for their respective category. 

Best Supporting Actress

Nominees:

Amy Adams - The Fighter

Melissa Leo - The Fighter

Helena Bonham Carter - The King's Speech

Mila Kunis - Black Swan

Marion Cotillard - Inception

.... and the winner is

Helena Bonham Carter

*****************************************************************

Best Supporting Actor

Nominees:

Christian Bale - The Fighter

Geoffrey Rush - The King's Speech

Justin Timberlake - The Social Network

Mark Ruffalo - The Kid's Are Alright

Cillian Murphy - Inception

...and the winner is

Christian Bale

"It's Fucking DISTRACTING!"

 *************************************************************

 Best Actress

Nominees:

Natalie Portman - Black Swan

Michelle Williams - Blue Valentine

Hailee Steinfeld - True Grit

Annette Bening - The Kid's Are Alright

Jennifer Lawrence - Winter's Bone

...and the winner is

Natalie Portman

The Perfect Female

***********************************************************

Best Actor

Nominees:

Colin Firth - The King's Speech

Jeff Bridges - True Grit

Jesse Eisenberg - The Social Network

James Franco - 127 Hours

Mark Wahlberg - The Fighter

...and the winner is

Jeff Bridges

"Grrbumble paison draw inna backrabbin suminsizzle The Dude mann...."

*********************************************************

 Best Screen Plays

Adapted - The Social Network (The Accidental Billionaires)

Original - The King's Speech

************************************************************** 

  

Best Director

Nominees:

David Fincher -  The Social Network

Darren Aronofsky - Black Swan

Tom Hooper - The King's Speech

Christopher Nolan - Inception

Joel & Ethan Coen - True Grit

....and the winner is

DARREN ARONOFSKY

  ******************************************************************

BEST PICTURE

Nominees:

The King's Speech

The Social Network

Black Swan

Inception

Toy Story

The Fighter

127 Hours

...and the Winner is

BLACK SWAN

  

The NICKadamy Awards - The Quez's dissection of Hollywoods biggest orgy

 

Last we night we laid witness to the biggest night in Hollywood. A night where our country's most self-righteous stars get to sit through a three hour long bore-fest until some one hands them a gold idol to worship. The irony of it all is that we invite the world's biggest drug addicts, sex machines, and egomaniacs to compete over gold trophies on live television and expect them to dress up and act civil. And while it is a lot of fun to watch these self-righteous divas sweat and lose their version of the Super Bowl, this year's Academy Awards were insanely boring.

The Hosts:

Really? James Franco and Anne Hathaway? Who honestly thought this pair was going to work? Neither are particularly funny (unless Franco is playing a stoner). They have no hint of comedic chemistry at all. They've never done anything that would suggest they're even capable of putting on a decent show as hosts. The only possible reason they would've chosen these two was to appeal to a younger audience, which it obviously didn't. The only thing that kept these two remotely watchable is the fact that Anne Hathaway is probably the hottest woman on the planet. Aside from that every joke was stale, the opening was a significantly worse version of similar MTV Movie Award openings, and the dialogue sounded so scripted I felt I was reading. It didn't help that Billy Crystal and Alec Baldwin (two former GREAT hosts) made appearances. While both are good at practically everything aside from hosting, I think we should leave the on stage air time to Ricky Gervais and Kirk Douglas.

Kirk Douglas: 

You Know...Speaking of hip, who didn't love Kirk Douglas' ten minute monologue before announcing Best Supporting Actress? Talk about awesome. A senile old man accompanied by Mario Lopez garbling for several minutes sounds like quality television to me. He sounded like Jeff Bridges in True Grit trying to hit on his great grand niece. Just pure hilarity. The only enjoyable part of the night. 

The Awards:

By far the most predictable Oscars of all time. Everyone who was expected to win, won. Not one upset. Not one unpredictable wow moment. It just seemed like we were going through the motions. And even so they got it WRONG! Sure all of the winners were good, but the Academy could've done a lot better. For that reason I am announcing the nominees and winners of MY NICKADEMY AWARDS in the next post!

Nicholas at the Movies

Very Bad Things

 

Starring: Jon Favraeu (Swingers, Director of Iron Man), Cameron Diaz (The Mask), Christian Slater (Alone in the Dark), Jeremy Piven (Entourage) and Daniel Stern (Home Alone, City Slickers)

Director: Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights

Year: 1998

Genre: Comedy - Very Dark

Run-Time: 100 Minutes (1 Hour and 40 Minutes)

Plot:

Bachelor Party in Vegas gone horribly, horribly, HORRIBLY wrong.

The Good:

Great Cast. Cameron Diaz looks really young and hot. Minus the one weird guy who isn't famous, all of the guys (Piven, Stern, Slater and Favraeu) play their parts to perfection. The plot is nothing special but the story is what separates this movie from the pack. This movie goes to such an extreme level of dark comedy that it reamins unmatched over 12 years later. 

The Bad:

There aren't any jokes in the movie. Nothing they say or do is really funny. All of the comedy is derived from the situation, not from jokes or acting.

The Review:

This is one of the most "Holy Fuck! What the Shit is Going On?!" movies I've ever seen. Evil Dead II is its only equal when it comes to unpredictability. Get ready cause this shit is crazy.

The Rating:

BOOMSTICK

 *** Instant Quez Classic ***

BAD ASS ROW + GREATEST QUOTES OF ALL TIME INDUCTEE

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

The word 'Bad Ass' gets throw around a lot these days. Sure some guys might be talented. Some can write or act really well. Some might even be really good at slamming a rubber ball through a net. But just because you're good at something doesn't make you a Bad Ass. No that word is reserved for members of what I call Bad Ass Row. Bruce Campbell. Aaron Rodgers. Lee Doren. These are true 'Bad Asses'. And equally deserving of the moniker is the Ultimate Austrian. Conan the Republican. Das Terminator. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

Mr. Universe. The First True Action Star in Movie History. Terminator. Predator. Governor of California. Arnold has done it all. He came here as an immigrant and lived the American Dream. He beat the likes of Lou Ferrigno to become Mr. Olympia 7 times. His Classics and his Bombs alike have provided countless classic quotes that span generations. He fucks a Kennedy every night and ran a state full of "Girly-Men" for 8 years. Arnold is the ultimate Bad Ass and proved it by being a BAMF in everything he does. 

For these reasons I'm proud to announce that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the newest member of 

BAD ASS ROW

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On top of being a member of Bad Ass Row, Arnold is a human quote machine. Therefore rather than post a million Arnold quotes, I'm going to post three separate videos: My FAVORITE ONE, ALL THE MR. FREEZE QUOTES, and A Video of 160 of His Best Quotes

"There is No BATHROOM!!!"

Mr. Freeze

The 160 Greatest

The Quez's BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG IN THE UNIVERSE: Close-Up edition

ELEVATORS

 

Elevators. Technological Advancement...or steel death trap from Hell. As M. Night Shyamalan taught in his instant classic "Devil", elevators are simply a tool used by Satan himself to murder strangers on his off days. Last time I checked there wasn't an elevator to heaven. That's because the good lord knew that quick transportation in a metal box was a devil's deed, not meant for man. 

This past week me and 40 or so of my closest friends nearly snapped to our death (Tower of Terror style) in one of these contraptions. Now I know what you're thinking, 40 people is way too many to fit into an elevator. While it is true that we were overweight by about 400 pounds, we are Americans. We live by our own rules. If we start caving in to this socialist agenda, telling us how many people can cram into a 10 foot metal box hanging by a string, then the terrorist wins. No we are not at fault. This was the elevator's fault for not carrying it's own weight (and ours for that matter) the way Americans are supposed to. That's why Elevators are this week's WORST PERSON IN THER UNIVERSE

 

The Quez's BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE: CLOSE-UP EDITION

LEE DOREN (aka. The Conservative Guy)

For those of us who went to Close Up, we were treated to a week in the heart of our nation's capital. For those of you who have never been to D.C., it's really an incredible place. It's a place full of exhaustive rhetoric, self-gratifying political agendas, and a largely unfavorable male to female ratio. In a way it's like we never left Belen.

One of the more interesting activities we participated in was a debate between a liberal and a conservative. This was a real treat for those of us who are interested in politics. In the unfortunately civil political climate that includes 3 major 24 hour news networks and countless pundits with big mouths and nice hair, we rarely get to see two partisan ideologues duke it out for our entertainment. But this is D.C., where the only thing more available than food stamps is partisan hackery.

And so we sat audience to a war of words. The debate ranged many different topics from affirmative action to environmental issues. And the longer the debate went on one thing became abundantly clear, the conservative (Lee Doren) was laying the smackdown on the liberal's candy ass. It was like watching Scorpion from Mortal Kombat take on Justin Bieber.  Not only was he beating down progressivism intellectually, he did it without famous pundit tactics such as Glenn Beck's theatrical meltdown, Bill O'Reilly's patented shout down, or Keith Olbermann's stupid bull shit. He proved that one can verbally destroy an opponent without stooping to the level of a four year old. For that reason Lee Doren is theis week's BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE

GONE TO CLOSE UP!

THE QUEZ GOES TO WASHINGTON

I have taken my talents to our nation's capitol to help fix our nations problems. Like my brothers before me I plan to solve the crisis in the Middle East, fix healthcare, lower taxes, and ban Taio Cruz from radio once and for all. See You In a Week BITCHES!

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY: TOP 3 COMMERCIALS & TOP TRAILER/CRAP TRAILER....plus special comment on Aguilera "National Anthem REMIX"

Top Three Super Bowl Commercials

A few days have gone by since Super Bowl Sunday and I'm finally ready to write again. I wish I could have written sooner but I had a really bad case of "Cheese Poisoning" after Green Bay's big win. While nothing tastes as sweet as victory, smothering a Cheetos Mac n' Cheesewhich with three cans of Cheese Wiz is surprisingly toxic. I never thought the phrase "Dangerously Cheesy" was a legitimate warning label.

But anyways on to my analysis of the game's lighter moments  First come the top three commercials. I would actually say this was one of the better Super Bowl ad years. Lots of funny ones and lots of really well done ones. Before we get into the top three let's take a look at what I would call the worst ad of the bunch.

Worst Super Bowl Commercial

Go Daddy - "The Contract"

While I'll admit that the Joan Rivers one was decent, this one just plain sucked. They've been doing the same stupid ad campaign for years. First of all, NO ONE THINKS DANICA PATRICK IS HOT. As Daniel Tosh once put it, "Maybe she looks cute when her hair is blowing in the wind as she's in last place." Secondly, what does a "racy" ad featuring two moderately attractive celebrities have anything to do with registering domain names??? Unless they're target market is kiddie porn web masters I just don't get it. Lastly, when is Go Daddy going to realize that if we want to watch racy stuff on the internet...WE'LL WATCH PORN. Forget a 30 second add on GO Daddy.com, I could download 35 sexier videos on my iPhone in a bout half a minute if I wanted too.

#3 - Meine Vader

 The force is strong in Germany. Volkswagen was das auto of choice for the Fuhrer in WWII. It seems only fitting that baby Vader would want a 2012 Passat. Equipped with an all leather interior and four "Das Boot" holders, this is the best car for any Sith this side of the galaxy. 

#2  - "Detroit...At Least We're Not Cleveland"

While not at all funny, I'll give it to Chrysler for making a pretty damn good commercial. It reminded us that Detroit is the heart of the auto industry which has been crumbling in recent years. That and a healthy dose of Eminem and "Lose Yourself" make it a pretty good ad. If only Chrysler was this good at making cars they wouldn't be owned by Fiat.

#1 - NFL AMERICAN FAMILY

Funny, heart warming, celebrities new and old, this ad had everything. Who would've thought the NFL would have the best commercial of the Super Bowl? Alf a Panthers fan. The Golden Girls are Fins. The Fonz is a cheesehead. How could you not like it?

Top Trailer

Limitless

Lame Trailer

FAST FIVE

CHRISTINA AGUILERA RUINS AMERICA BY REMIXING STAR SPANGLED BANNER      

 

The Quez's BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE: SUPERBOWL EDITION

Aaron Rodgers!

Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood is now home to the Lombardi Trophy. A-Rod stepped it up in Super Bowl XLV and spat in the face of the nastiest defense in football to win 31-25 on the grandest stage of them all. Rodgers was so good that he won both the Super Bowl and WWE World Heavyweight Championship at the same time. This is the first such double win since John Cena won the WWE title and the WNBA championship in the same night.

As Rodgers held up his new trophies, 22 teams sat at home crying, Brett Favre shat his Wranglers, and David Arquette had flashbacks of his long tenure as WCW champion. For this reason Aaron Rodgers is the BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE!

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!

TITLE TOWN USA

HAIL TO THE KINGS BABY!!!