2011 NICK - ademy Awards!

Welcome to the Golden Chainsaws!

I've redone the nominee and winners lists of the Oscars to fit what I think was of the best last year. The winners are awarded the Golden Chainsaw for their respective category. 

Best Supporting Actress

Nominees:

Amy Adams - The Fighter

Melissa Leo - The Fighter

Helena Bonham Carter - The King's Speech

Mila Kunis - Black Swan

Marion Cotillard - Inception

.... and the winner is

Helena Bonham Carter

*****************************************************************

Best Supporting Actor

Nominees:

Christian Bale - The Fighter

Geoffrey Rush - The King's Speech

Justin Timberlake - The Social Network

Mark Ruffalo - The Kid's Are Alright

Cillian Murphy - Inception

...and the winner is

Christian Bale

"It's Fucking DISTRACTING!"

 *************************************************************

 Best Actress

Nominees:

Natalie Portman - Black Swan

Michelle Williams - Blue Valentine

Hailee Steinfeld - True Grit

Annette Bening - The Kid's Are Alright

Jennifer Lawrence - Winter's Bone

...and the winner is

Natalie Portman

The Perfect Female

***********************************************************

Best Actor

Nominees:

Colin Firth - The King's Speech

Jeff Bridges - True Grit

Jesse Eisenberg - The Social Network

James Franco - 127 Hours

Mark Wahlberg - The Fighter

...and the winner is

Jeff Bridges

"Grrbumble paison draw inna backrabbin suminsizzle The Dude mann...."

*********************************************************

 Best Screen Plays

Adapted - The Social Network (The Accidental Billionaires)

Original - The King's Speech

************************************************************** 

  

Best Director

Nominees:

David Fincher -  The Social Network

Darren Aronofsky - Black Swan

Tom Hooper - The King's Speech

Christopher Nolan - Inception

Joel & Ethan Coen - True Grit

....and the winner is

DARREN ARONOFSKY

  ******************************************************************

BEST PICTURE

Nominees:

The King's Speech

The Social Network

Black Swan

Inception

Toy Story

The Fighter

127 Hours

...and the Winner is

BLACK SWAN

  

The NICKadamy Awards - The Quez's dissection of Hollywoods biggest orgy

 

Last we night we laid witness to the biggest night in Hollywood. A night where our country's most self-righteous stars get to sit through a three hour long bore-fest until some one hands them a gold idol to worship. The irony of it all is that we invite the world's biggest drug addicts, sex machines, and egomaniacs to compete over gold trophies on live television and expect them to dress up and act civil. And while it is a lot of fun to watch these self-righteous divas sweat and lose their version of the Super Bowl, this year's Academy Awards were insanely boring.

The Hosts:

Really? James Franco and Anne Hathaway? Who honestly thought this pair was going to work? Neither are particularly funny (unless Franco is playing a stoner). They have no hint of comedic chemistry at all. They've never done anything that would suggest they're even capable of putting on a decent show as hosts. The only possible reason they would've chosen these two was to appeal to a younger audience, which it obviously didn't. The only thing that kept these two remotely watchable is the fact that Anne Hathaway is probably the hottest woman on the planet. Aside from that every joke was stale, the opening was a significantly worse version of similar MTV Movie Award openings, and the dialogue sounded so scripted I felt I was reading. It didn't help that Billy Crystal and Alec Baldwin (two former GREAT hosts) made appearances. While both are good at practically everything aside from hosting, I think we should leave the on stage air time to Ricky Gervais and Kirk Douglas.

Kirk Douglas: 

You Know...Speaking of hip, who didn't love Kirk Douglas' ten minute monologue before announcing Best Supporting Actress? Talk about awesome. A senile old man accompanied by Mario Lopez garbling for several minutes sounds like quality television to me. He sounded like Jeff Bridges in True Grit trying to hit on his great grand niece. Just pure hilarity. The only enjoyable part of the night. 

The Awards:

By far the most predictable Oscars of all time. Everyone who was expected to win, won. Not one upset. Not one unpredictable wow moment. It just seemed like we were going through the motions. And even so they got it WRONG! Sure all of the winners were good, but the Academy could've done a lot better. For that reason I am announcing the nominees and winners of MY NICKADEMY AWARDS in the next post!

Nicholas at the Movies

Very Bad Things

 

Starring: Jon Favraeu (Swingers, Director of Iron Man), Cameron Diaz (The Mask), Christian Slater (Alone in the Dark), Jeremy Piven (Entourage) and Daniel Stern (Home Alone, City Slickers)

Director: Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights

Year: 1998

Genre: Comedy - Very Dark

Run-Time: 100 Minutes (1 Hour and 40 Minutes)

Plot:

Bachelor Party in Vegas gone horribly, horribly, HORRIBLY wrong.

The Good:

Great Cast. Cameron Diaz looks really young and hot. Minus the one weird guy who isn't famous, all of the guys (Piven, Stern, Slater and Favraeu) play their parts to perfection. The plot is nothing special but the story is what separates this movie from the pack. This movie goes to such an extreme level of dark comedy that it reamins unmatched over 12 years later. 

The Bad:

There aren't any jokes in the movie. Nothing they say or do is really funny. All of the comedy is derived from the situation, not from jokes or acting.

The Review:

This is one of the most "Holy Fuck! What the Shit is Going On?!" movies I've ever seen. Evil Dead II is its only equal when it comes to unpredictability. Get ready cause this shit is crazy.

The Rating:

BOOMSTICK

 *** Instant Quez Classic ***

BAD ASS ROW + GREATEST QUOTES OF ALL TIME INDUCTEE

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

The word 'Bad Ass' gets throw around a lot these days. Sure some guys might be talented. Some can write or act really well. Some might even be really good at slamming a rubber ball through a net. But just because you're good at something doesn't make you a Bad Ass. No that word is reserved for members of what I call Bad Ass Row. Bruce Campbell. Aaron Rodgers. Lee Doren. These are true 'Bad Asses'. And equally deserving of the moniker is the Ultimate Austrian. Conan the Republican. Das Terminator. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

Mr. Universe. The First True Action Star in Movie History. Terminator. Predator. Governor of California. Arnold has done it all. He came here as an immigrant and lived the American Dream. He beat the likes of Lou Ferrigno to become Mr. Olympia 7 times. His Classics and his Bombs alike have provided countless classic quotes that span generations. He fucks a Kennedy every night and ran a state full of "Girly-Men" for 8 years. Arnold is the ultimate Bad Ass and proved it by being a BAMF in everything he does. 

For these reasons I'm proud to announce that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the newest member of 

BAD ASS ROW

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On top of being a member of Bad Ass Row, Arnold is a human quote machine. Therefore rather than post a million Arnold quotes, I'm going to post three separate videos: My FAVORITE ONE, ALL THE MR. FREEZE QUOTES, and A Video of 160 of His Best Quotes

"There is No BATHROOM!!!"

Mr. Freeze

The 160 Greatest

The Quez's BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG IN THE UNIVERSE: Close-Up edition

ELEVATORS

 

Elevators. Technological Advancement...or steel death trap from Hell. As M. Night Shyamalan taught in his instant classic "Devil", elevators are simply a tool used by Satan himself to murder strangers on his off days. Last time I checked there wasn't an elevator to heaven. That's because the good lord knew that quick transportation in a metal box was a devil's deed, not meant for man. 

This past week me and 40 or so of my closest friends nearly snapped to our death (Tower of Terror style) in one of these contraptions. Now I know what you're thinking, 40 people is way too many to fit into an elevator. While it is true that we were overweight by about 400 pounds, we are Americans. We live by our own rules. If we start caving in to this socialist agenda, telling us how many people can cram into a 10 foot metal box hanging by a string, then the terrorist wins. No we are not at fault. This was the elevator's fault for not carrying it's own weight (and ours for that matter) the way Americans are supposed to. That's why Elevators are this week's WORST PERSON IN THER UNIVERSE

 

The Quez's BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE: CLOSE-UP EDITION

LEE DOREN (aka. The Conservative Guy)

For those of us who went to Close Up, we were treated to a week in the heart of our nation's capital. For those of you who have never been to D.C., it's really an incredible place. It's a place full of exhaustive rhetoric, self-gratifying political agendas, and a largely unfavorable male to female ratio. In a way it's like we never left Belen.

One of the more interesting activities we participated in was a debate between a liberal and a conservative. This was a real treat for those of us who are interested in politics. In the unfortunately civil political climate that includes 3 major 24 hour news networks and countless pundits with big mouths and nice hair, we rarely get to see two partisan ideologues duke it out for our entertainment. But this is D.C., where the only thing more available than food stamps is partisan hackery.

And so we sat audience to a war of words. The debate ranged many different topics from affirmative action to environmental issues. And the longer the debate went on one thing became abundantly clear, the conservative (Lee Doren) was laying the smackdown on the liberal's candy ass. It was like watching Scorpion from Mortal Kombat take on Justin Bieber.  Not only was he beating down progressivism intellectually, he did it without famous pundit tactics such as Glenn Beck's theatrical meltdown, Bill O'Reilly's patented shout down, or Keith Olbermann's stupid bull shit. He proved that one can verbally destroy an opponent without stooping to the level of a four year old. For that reason Lee Doren is theis week's BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE

GONE TO CLOSE UP!

THE QUEZ GOES TO WASHINGTON

I have taken my talents to our nation's capitol to help fix our nations problems. Like my brothers before me I plan to solve the crisis in the Middle East, fix healthcare, lower taxes, and ban Taio Cruz from radio once and for all. See You In a Week BITCHES!

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY: TOP 3 COMMERCIALS & TOP TRAILER/CRAP TRAILER....plus special comment on Aguilera "National Anthem REMIX"

Top Three Super Bowl Commercials

A few days have gone by since Super Bowl Sunday and I'm finally ready to write again. I wish I could have written sooner but I had a really bad case of "Cheese Poisoning" after Green Bay's big win. While nothing tastes as sweet as victory, smothering a Cheetos Mac n' Cheesewhich with three cans of Cheese Wiz is surprisingly toxic. I never thought the phrase "Dangerously Cheesy" was a legitimate warning label.

But anyways on to my analysis of the game's lighter moments  First come the top three commercials. I would actually say this was one of the better Super Bowl ad years. Lots of funny ones and lots of really well done ones. Before we get into the top three let's take a look at what I would call the worst ad of the bunch.

Worst Super Bowl Commercial

Go Daddy - "The Contract"

While I'll admit that the Joan Rivers one was decent, this one just plain sucked. They've been doing the same stupid ad campaign for years. First of all, NO ONE THINKS DANICA PATRICK IS HOT. As Daniel Tosh once put it, "Maybe she looks cute when her hair is blowing in the wind as she's in last place." Secondly, what does a "racy" ad featuring two moderately attractive celebrities have anything to do with registering domain names??? Unless they're target market is kiddie porn web masters I just don't get it. Lastly, when is Go Daddy going to realize that if we want to watch racy stuff on the internet...WE'LL WATCH PORN. Forget a 30 second add on GO Daddy.com, I could download 35 sexier videos on my iPhone in a bout half a minute if I wanted too.

#3 - Meine Vader

 The force is strong in Germany. Volkswagen was das auto of choice for the Fuhrer in WWII. It seems only fitting that baby Vader would want a 2012 Passat. Equipped with an all leather interior and four "Das Boot" holders, this is the best car for any Sith this side of the galaxy. 

#2  - "Detroit...At Least We're Not Cleveland"

While not at all funny, I'll give it to Chrysler for making a pretty damn good commercial. It reminded us that Detroit is the heart of the auto industry which has been crumbling in recent years. That and a healthy dose of Eminem and "Lose Yourself" make it a pretty good ad. If only Chrysler was this good at making cars they wouldn't be owned by Fiat.

#1 - NFL AMERICAN FAMILY

Funny, heart warming, celebrities new and old, this ad had everything. Who would've thought the NFL would have the best commercial of the Super Bowl? Alf a Panthers fan. The Golden Girls are Fins. The Fonz is a cheesehead. How could you not like it?

Top Trailer

Limitless

Lame Trailer

FAST FIVE

CHRISTINA AGUILERA RUINS AMERICA BY REMIXING STAR SPANGLED BANNER      

 

The Quez's BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE: SUPERBOWL EDITION

Aaron Rodgers!

Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood is now home to the Lombardi Trophy. A-Rod stepped it up in Super Bowl XLV and spat in the face of the nastiest defense in football to win 31-25 on the grandest stage of them all. Rodgers was so good that he won both the Super Bowl and WWE World Heavyweight Championship at the same time. This is the first such double win since John Cena won the WWE title and the WNBA championship in the same night.

As Rodgers held up his new trophies, 22 teams sat at home crying, Brett Favre shat his Wranglers, and David Arquette had flashbacks of his long tenure as WCW champion. For this reason Aaron Rodgers is the BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE!

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!

TITLE TOWN USA

HAIL TO THE KINGS BABY!!!

GREEN AND YELLOW WIN!!! TAKE IT AWAY WEEZY F. BABY!!!

SUPER BOWL XLV: CHEDDARMAGEDDON IS HERE!!!

CHEDDARMAGEDDON!

"Winning isn't everything...it's the only thing"

Vince Lombardi 

It's finally here. The ultimate Sunday. A day where two teams will go blow for blow on the gridiron. One will leave as champion. The other will live in agonizing defeat for another year. The history books are waiting for the ink to dry. Will Big Ben get the thirs Super Bowl of his young career? Or will Aaron Rodgers give nightmares to the 22 other teams who decided he wasn't worth a first round pick? Here is the tale of the tape.

The Packers 

Titletown U.S.A isn't just a nickname. It's the city that holds the first two Super Bowl trophies. It's the home to the frozen tundra known as Lambue Field. It's home to 21 half of fame careers. Home to the biggest rivalry in the sport. Home to cheese heads and lambue leaps and Bart Starrs and Brett Favres. Home to Lombardi.

The road to the Super Bowl wasn't easy for Green Bay. They squeaked in as the Number 6 seed with a 10-6 record after beating their biggest rival in the final week of the season. They took down the Eagles. They pummeled the Falcons. Then they went to Soldier Field and beat their biggest rival again, ensuring their spot in the biggest game of the year. Here they stand now with a chance at history. For Rodgers it isn't just about redemption. It isn;t about being in the conversation with Starr and Favre. It's about putting another diamond on that Super Bowl Ring and bringing the Lombardi Trophy back home.

The Steelers 

The Steelers are no strangers to the big stage. They've been here 7 times before, 6 times they left as champion. They've hoisted the trophy more times than any other team in NFL history.  From Immaculate Receptions to Immaculate Redemptions, the Steelers have built the most successful franchise in NFL history. Steeler Nation is one of the most devoted fan bases in sports and anywhere you see a Terrible Towl flying, you'll hear stories of champions, Steel Curtains, and Bill Cowher's jaw.

This year the Steelers faced an uphill climb. Big Ben was suspended for four games after some off the field incidents. Luckily his defense and a little known running back named Rashard Mendenhall stepped it up and took the Steelers to the title game again. Will this be title number 7 or will it be the end of a dynasty?

The Game

Can Aaron Rodgers lead his dynamic offense to the promise land? Can the Pittsburgh D shut down Rashard Mendenhall?  Will Big Ben get redemption? Will BJ Raji get his 2nd career interception? When all is said and done who will hoist the Lombardi trophy and who will stuff his face into his hands, alone in the locker room?

The Prediction

Green Bay Packers - 27

Pittsburgh Steelers - 24

FRONT KICK TO THE FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE QUEZ'S BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE...of the week

JAMES FRANCO!

James Franco can do anything. He's hosting the Oscars the same year that he's nominated (and expected to win). He's been everything from Spiderman's nemesis to the bear to Sean Penn's twink in Milk. He created one of the most memorable stoner characters since Cheech and Chong. What else is there left to do?

Well James Franco found a new passion in life: teaching. While this doesn't seem too revolutionary, not many people teach a class...about themselves. That's right James Franco is teaching a class about James Franco. However inexplicable the logic may be that a school is actually putting James Franco 101 on their curriculum, it is cancelled out by the sheer awesomeness that Franco is teaching the class himself.

Not only is this revolutionary from an egomaniac's standpoint, but this could revolutionize our school system. During last week's State of the Union, President Obama called this our "Sputnik" moment. A moment in which we would realize our potential and go back to the days where America was innovative and not China's bitch. If last week was our Sputnik moment, James Franco is our Apollo 11.

We should seriously consider the Franco educational model. Let classes be taught by the people who they're learning about. Why not have Friedrich Nietzsche teach a class on existentialism? Why not have Napoleon teach a class on European History? Why not have George Clooney teach a class on being a douche bag? Our children could learn a lot more if they're taught by the people they're learning about and not a bunch of old "intellectuals" who were stupid enough to major in English and History.

THE QUEZ'S BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG IN THE WORLD...of the week

MOSES!

For the past week, we've seen Egypt going ape shit. Who is to blame? President Mubarak? The Muslim Brotherhood? No, this revolution has been thousands of years in the making and we all owe it to one man: Moses.

This basket case (literally) is famous for having freed the Hebrews from slavery. However he had to do this by turning water into blood, killing every first born Egyptian child, and parting the Red (Communist?) Sea. After that he buzkilled the Hebrew gold calf celebration with ten mandates...a whopping two of which we still consider law. He remained quiet for several thousand years until the 20th century when he revived his career as a hall of fame power forward/center for the Philadelphia 76ers and quietly served as the president of the NRA.

But Moses still harbors resentment towards Egypt. He is like a younger jewish Brett Favre, doesn't know when to quit. He saw 2011 as his chance to bring this popular tourist population down once and for all. He has pitted all sides against eachother and if Moses gets his way Egypt will be a wasteland of burning bushes and yeast-less bread.

We know that the sequel is never as good as the original and for that reason we need to stop Moses' comeback tour. We need to keep him from inciting violence in Cairo or this could easily lead to God getting pissed again and drowning us all. The best course of action is to support Barack Obama while he secretly installs Yul Brenner to run the country again.

Nicholas at the Movies:

Since this is the first "Nicholas at the Movies" post, I'll explain a little bit about how this section works. Because you, the loyal readers of my blog, are in desperate need of my insight...I will sacrifice my time, dignity, and parent's money to review the movies that are currently playing at a theater near you. I'm a strict but fair judge of cinema. I don't judge the A-Team by the same standard I judge the Godfather. Still I will bring my wrath on those movies that aren't worth the ten dollars you take out of your mom's purse. Rather than do a Rotten Tomatoes/Metacritic-esque numerical review, I will do the old fashioned Robert Ebert-esque star review...except the stars are chainsaws.

The Rating System

0 Chainsaws - Instant Quez Craptastic (Alone in the Dark, Battlefield Earth, Date Movie)

1 Chainsaw - A forgettable turd in the Hollywood toilet bowl (Pearl Harbor, Fantastic 4)

2 Chainsaws - Pretty Bad but had its moments (Due Date)

3 Chainsaws - Good (Step Brothers, Inside Man)

4 Chainsaws - Really Damn Good (True Grit, Scarface, Inception, The Departed)

5 Chainsaws - Quez Classics (Evil Deads I & 2, The Godfather, The Good the Bad and The Ugly)

So now that we got that out of the way...

The Rite

Starring: Sir Anthony Hopkins, Colin O'Donoghue (first movie), Alice Braga (City of God), Ciaran Hinds (Munich, Rome the TV Series)

Director: Mikhael Hafstrom (Derailed, 1408)

Genre: Horror - Exorcist

Run-Time: 113 minutes (1 hour and 53 minutes)

Plot:

It's a text book religious horror movie. Priest in doubt (Colin O'Donoghue) looks into the darker side of religion to find his faith. He attends a course on exorcisms in Rome where his skepticism leads him to find an old exorcist (Anthony Hopkins) who tries to show him that the Devil does exist whether or not you believe in him.

The Good:

The movie has its ups and downs. If you're a fan of exorcism movies then you'll probably enjoy it.It has enough of the textbook exorcist elements to make you feel like you got your money's worth. At the same time it introduces Anthony Hopkins who really carries the film for most of its run time. A possessed Anthony Hopkins was as scary as any demonic I've seen in movie history minus Linda Blair. He was so good in the final 30minutes. that he made every one else (and a bland story for that matter) look good. 

Besides the acting the style of horror was good in the sense that it was eerie, not jumpy. While things do occasionally pop out at you, the film stayed closer to the slow-creepy style of terror that is missing in almost all horror movies today with the exception of Paranormal Activity.

The Bad: 

Nothing new in terms of story. Pretty bland acting from the young priest and typical "I've lost my faith" to "God is real" story arc. More importantly the film wasn't that scary. While I liked the style in which the story was portrayed it was less scary than comparable exorcist films (Exorcism of Emily Rose, The Last Exorcism). It makes you feel uneasy but you never truly feel scared.

The Review:

it had its ups and downs but overall I liked it. I knew what I was going to see and generally got everything I expected. Add that with some incredible acting by Anthony Hopkins and I would say you have a pretty good movie. It's sort of a fifty-fifty and I could understand some people liking it and some people not liking it. Either way you won't hate it or love it, but it's worth watching.

The Rating:

3 Chainsaws

SUPERBOWL XLV: COUNTDOWN TO CHEDDARMAGEDDON!!!!

Who has the Edge?

                                                   

Ben "Just the Tip" Roethlisberger

or

"The Big Muenster" BJ Raji

Why Ben has Edge:

Big Ben's balls drop

Ben Roethlisberger has several things going for him in this match up. Big Ben has been to this stage before and although he was statistically the worst QB of a winning football team in Superbowl history, he played well in his second game and has two rings to show for it. Experience aside, Ben Roethlisberger is notoriously hard to sack. He has one of the better O-lines in football and his massive frame is nearly impossible to bring down.On top of that his Week 7 "fumble that wasn't" proves the refs are on his johnson.

BJ Raji flying into Dallas/Ft.Worth

Why BJ has the Edge:

This past week's QUEZ BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE has taken his talents to Arlington for Superbowl XLV. The trek wasn't an easy one though. Since Raji is too big too fit on a commercial airliner, he was airlifted by a helicopter from Wisconsin ala Operation Dumbo Drop. His blubbery frame will make it difficult to run the ball at all against the Packers. Tie that with his pension for eating other linemen and you have a Fat Black Murdering Machine.

Why Ben is going to get Rocked:

Two words: Captain Morgan. We all know Big Ben is a fan of the high life, and who wouldn't be. He's a two time Super Bowl winning QB in the prime of his career. Ben doesn't take no for an answer on the field, what makes you think he'll take it off the field. Super Bowl Sunday is a bad place have a hangover and if I were him i'd bring my beer visor, cause BJ Raji isn't pretty when you're under him.

Why BJ Raji is going to get Rocked:

While BJ Raji may have the density of a dying sun, he is about as fast as a gas planet. Unless Ben runs straight into him, there is very little chance Raji will pass the line of scrimmage, much less chase down a moderately fast quarterback.

The WINNER:

Unless a chicken bone gets lodged in his femoral artery, it's the Freezer who wins this slop fest.

KEVIN BACON APPRECIATION DAY!

Today we celebrate the life of the greeatest actor in the history of cinema...Kevin Bacon. From Apollo 13 to Tremors, Kevin Bacon has mystified us with his Footloose charisma. Whether it's comedy, tragedy, horror, or foreign independent...Bacon never fails to bring the Pork.

Kevin Bacon's rise to stardom was a difficult one.

In footloose Kevin Bacon changed the world by giving us the gift...of DANCE

If you're a tremor Bacon has two words for you:

Kevin Bacon is pissed...in space. 

Hollow Man was heavily criticized for its lack of Kevin Bacon's physical appearance

Say what you want about the man, but there is no topping KB. Lucky for us Kevin Bacon is hitting the big screen again in X-Men: First Class which will be sucking ass in a theater near you this summer. 

Greatest Music Video of All Time???