THE QUEZ'S BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG IN THE WORLD...of the week

MOSES!

For the past week, we've seen Egypt going ape shit. Who is to blame? President Mubarak? The Muslim Brotherhood? No, this revolution has been thousands of years in the making and we all owe it to one man: Moses.

This basket case (literally) is famous for having freed the Hebrews from slavery. However he had to do this by turning water into blood, killing every first born Egyptian child, and parting the Red (Communist?) Sea. After that he buzkilled the Hebrew gold calf celebration with ten mandates...a whopping two of which we still consider law. He remained quiet for several thousand years until the 20th century when he revived his career as a hall of fame power forward/center for the Philadelphia 76ers and quietly served as the president of the NRA.

But Moses still harbors resentment towards Egypt. He is like a younger jewish Brett Favre, doesn't know when to quit. He saw 2011 as his chance to bring this popular tourist population down once and for all. He has pitted all sides against eachother and if Moses gets his way Egypt will be a wasteland of burning bushes and yeast-less bread.

We know that the sequel is never as good as the original and for that reason we need to stop Moses' comeback tour. We need to keep him from inciting violence in Cairo or this could easily lead to God getting pissed again and drowning us all. The best course of action is to support Barack Obama while he secretly installs Yul Brenner to run the country again.

Nicholas at the Movies:

Since this is the first "Nicholas at the Movies" post, I'll explain a little bit about how this section works. Because you, the loyal readers of my blog, are in desperate need of my insight...I will sacrifice my time, dignity, and parent's money to review the movies that are currently playing at a theater near you. I'm a strict but fair judge of cinema. I don't judge the A-Team by the same standard I judge the Godfather. Still I will bring my wrath on those movies that aren't worth the ten dollars you take out of your mom's purse. Rather than do a Rotten Tomatoes/Metacritic-esque numerical review, I will do the old fashioned Robert Ebert-esque star review...except the stars are chainsaws.

The Rating System

0 Chainsaws - Instant Quez Craptastic (Alone in the Dark, Battlefield Earth, Date Movie)

1 Chainsaw - A forgettable turd in the Hollywood toilet bowl (Pearl Harbor, Fantastic 4)

2 Chainsaws - Pretty Bad but had its moments (Due Date)

3 Chainsaws - Good (Step Brothers, Inside Man)

4 Chainsaws - Really Damn Good (True Grit, Scarface, Inception, The Departed)

5 Chainsaws - Quez Classics (Evil Deads I & 2, The Godfather, The Good the Bad and The Ugly)

So now that we got that out of the way...

The Rite

Starring: Sir Anthony Hopkins, Colin O'Donoghue (first movie), Alice Braga (City of God), Ciaran Hinds (Munich, Rome the TV Series)

Director: Mikhael Hafstrom (Derailed, 1408)

Genre: Horror - Exorcist

Run-Time: 113 minutes (1 hour and 53 minutes)

Plot:

It's a text book religious horror movie. Priest in doubt (Colin O'Donoghue) looks into the darker side of religion to find his faith. He attends a course on exorcisms in Rome where his skepticism leads him to find an old exorcist (Anthony Hopkins) who tries to show him that the Devil does exist whether or not you believe in him.

The Good:

The movie has its ups and downs. If you're a fan of exorcism movies then you'll probably enjoy it.It has enough of the textbook exorcist elements to make you feel like you got your money's worth. At the same time it introduces Anthony Hopkins who really carries the film for most of its run time. A possessed Anthony Hopkins was as scary as any demonic I've seen in movie history minus Linda Blair. He was so good in the final 30minutes. that he made every one else (and a bland story for that matter) look good. 

Besides the acting the style of horror was good in the sense that it was eerie, not jumpy. While things do occasionally pop out at you, the film stayed closer to the slow-creepy style of terror that is missing in almost all horror movies today with the exception of Paranormal Activity.

The Bad: 

Nothing new in terms of story. Pretty bland acting from the young priest and typical "I've lost my faith" to "God is real" story arc. More importantly the film wasn't that scary. While I liked the style in which the story was portrayed it was less scary than comparable exorcist films (Exorcism of Emily Rose, The Last Exorcism). It makes you feel uneasy but you never truly feel scared.

The Review:

it had its ups and downs but overall I liked it. I knew what I was going to see and generally got everything I expected. Add that with some incredible acting by Anthony Hopkins and I would say you have a pretty good movie. It's sort of a fifty-fifty and I could understand some people liking it and some people not liking it. Either way you won't hate it or love it, but it's worth watching.

The Rating:

3 Chainsaws

SUPERBOWL XLV: COUNTDOWN TO CHEDDARMAGEDDON!!!!

Who has the Edge?

                                                   

Ben "Just the Tip" Roethlisberger

or

"The Big Muenster" BJ Raji

Why Ben has Edge:

Big Ben's balls drop

Ben Roethlisberger has several things going for him in this match up. Big Ben has been to this stage before and although he was statistically the worst QB of a winning football team in Superbowl history, he played well in his second game and has two rings to show for it. Experience aside, Ben Roethlisberger is notoriously hard to sack. He has one of the better O-lines in football and his massive frame is nearly impossible to bring down.On top of that his Week 7 "fumble that wasn't" proves the refs are on his johnson.

BJ Raji flying into Dallas/Ft.Worth

Why BJ has the Edge:

This past week's QUEZ BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE has taken his talents to Arlington for Superbowl XLV. The trek wasn't an easy one though. Since Raji is too big too fit on a commercial airliner, he was airlifted by a helicopter from Wisconsin ala Operation Dumbo Drop. His blubbery frame will make it difficult to run the ball at all against the Packers. Tie that with his pension for eating other linemen and you have a Fat Black Murdering Machine.

Why Ben is going to get Rocked:

Two words: Captain Morgan. We all know Big Ben is a fan of the high life, and who wouldn't be. He's a two time Super Bowl winning QB in the prime of his career. Ben doesn't take no for an answer on the field, what makes you think he'll take it off the field. Super Bowl Sunday is a bad place have a hangover and if I were him i'd bring my beer visor, cause BJ Raji isn't pretty when you're under him.

Why BJ Raji is going to get Rocked:

While BJ Raji may have the density of a dying sun, he is about as fast as a gas planet. Unless Ben runs straight into him, there is very little chance Raji will pass the line of scrimmage, much less chase down a moderately fast quarterback.

The WINNER:

Unless a chicken bone gets lodged in his femoral artery, it's the Freezer who wins this slop fest.

KEVIN BACON APPRECIATION DAY!

Today we celebrate the life of the greeatest actor in the history of cinema...Kevin Bacon. From Apollo 13 to Tremors, Kevin Bacon has mystified us with his Footloose charisma. Whether it's comedy, tragedy, horror, or foreign independent...Bacon never fails to bring the Pork.

Kevin Bacon's rise to stardom was a difficult one.

In footloose Kevin Bacon changed the world by giving us the gift...of DANCE

If you're a tremor Bacon has two words for you:

Kevin Bacon is pissed...in space. 

Hollow Man was heavily criticized for its lack of Kevin Bacon's physical appearance

Say what you want about the man, but there is no topping KB. Lucky for us Kevin Bacon is hitting the big screen again in X-Men: First Class which will be sucking ass in a theater near you this summer. 

Greatest Music Video of All Time???