Sunday, February 6, 2011
SUPER BOWL XLV: CHEDDARMAGEDDON IS HERE!!!
CHEDDARMAGEDDON!
"Winning isn't everything...it's the only thing"
Vince Lombardi
It's finally here. The ultimate Sunday. A day where two teams will go blow for blow on the gridiron. One will leave as champion. The other will live in agonizing defeat for another year. The history books are waiting for the ink to dry. Will Big Ben get the thirs Super Bowl of his young career? Or will Aaron Rodgers give nightmares to the 22 other teams who decided he wasn't worth a first round pick? Here is the tale of the tape.
The Packers
Titletown U.S.A isn't just a nickname. It's the city that holds the first two Super Bowl trophies. It's the home to the frozen tundra known as Lambue Field. It's home to 21 half of fame careers. Home to the biggest rivalry in the sport. Home to cheese heads and lambue leaps and Bart Starrs and Brett Favres. Home to Lombardi.
The road to the Super Bowl wasn't easy for Green Bay. They squeaked in as the Number 6 seed with a 10-6 record after beating their biggest rival in the final week of the season. They took down the Eagles. They pummeled the Falcons. Then they went to Soldier Field and beat their biggest rival again, ensuring their spot in the biggest game of the year. Here they stand now with a chance at history. For Rodgers it isn't just about redemption. It isn;t about being in the conversation with Starr and Favre. It's about putting another diamond on that Super Bowl Ring and bringing the Lombardi Trophy back home.
The Steelers
The Steelers are no strangers to the big stage. They've been here 7 times before, 6 times they left as champion. They've hoisted the trophy more times than any other team in NFL history. From Immaculate Receptions to Immaculate Redemptions, the Steelers have built the most successful franchise in NFL history. Steeler Nation is one of the most devoted fan bases in sports and anywhere you see a Terrible Towl flying, you'll hear stories of champions, Steel Curtains, and Bill Cowher's jaw.
This year the Steelers faced an uphill climb. Big Ben was suspended for four games after some off the field incidents. Luckily his defense and a little known running back named Rashard Mendenhall stepped it up and took the Steelers to the title game again. Will this be title number 7 or will it be the end of a dynasty?
The Game
Can Aaron Rodgers lead his dynamic offense to the promise land? Can the Pittsburgh D shut down Rashard Mendenhall? Will Big Ben get redemption? Will BJ Raji get his 2nd career interception? When all is said and done who will hoist the Lombardi trophy and who will stuff his face into his hands, alone in the locker room?
The Prediction
Green Bay Packers - 27
Pittsburgh Steelers - 24
Saturday, February 5, 2011
THE QUEZ'S BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE...of the week
JAMES FRANCO!
James Franco can do anything. He's hosting the Oscars the same year that he's nominated (and expected to win). He's been everything from Spiderman's nemesis to the bear to Sean Penn's twink in Milk. He created one of the most memorable stoner characters since Cheech and Chong. What else is there left to do?
Well James Franco found a new passion in life: teaching. While this doesn't seem too revolutionary, not many people teach a class...about themselves. That's right James Franco is teaching a class about James Franco. However inexplicable the logic may be that a school is actually putting James Franco 101 on their curriculum, it is cancelled out by the sheer awesomeness that Franco is teaching the class himself.
Not only is this revolutionary from an egomaniac's standpoint, but this could revolutionize our school system. During last week's State of the Union, President Obama called this our "Sputnik" moment. A moment in which we would realize our potential and go back to the days where America was innovative and not China's bitch. If last week was our Sputnik moment, James Franco is our Apollo 11.
We should seriously consider the Franco educational model. Let classes be taught by the people who they're learning about. Why not have Friedrich Nietzsche teach a class on existentialism? Why not have Napoleon teach a class on European History? Why not have George Clooney teach a class on being a douche bag? Our children could learn a lot more if they're taught by the people they're learning about and not a bunch of old "intellectuals" who were stupid enough to major in English and History.
THE QUEZ'S BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG IN THE WORLD...of the week
MOSES!
For the past week, we've seen Egypt going ape shit. Who is to blame? President Mubarak? The Muslim Brotherhood? No, this revolution has been thousands of years in the making and we all owe it to one man: Moses.
This basket case (literally) is famous for having freed the Hebrews from slavery. However he had to do this by turning water into blood, killing every first born Egyptian child, and parting the Red (Communist?) Sea. After that he buzkilled the Hebrew gold calf celebration with ten mandates...a whopping two of which we still consider law. He remained quiet for several thousand years until the 20th century when he revived his career as a hall of fame power forward/center for the Philadelphia 76ers and quietly served as the president of the NRA.
But Moses still harbors resentment towards Egypt. He is like a younger jewish Brett Favre, doesn't know when to quit. He saw 2011 as his chance to bring this popular tourist population down once and for all. He has pitted all sides against eachother and if Moses gets his way Egypt will be a wasteland of burning bushes and yeast-less bread.
We know that the sequel is never as good as the original and for that reason we need to stop Moses' comeback tour. We need to keep him from inciting violence in Cairo or this could easily lead to God getting pissed again and drowning us all. The best course of action is to support Barack Obama while he secretly installs Yul Brenner to run the country again.
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