VazPuig BORE-maggedon Spotlight

Any pretentious film student would tell you that there have been many abominations throughout the history of film. Some were made by the tireless efforts of the great Ed Wood. Some starred Hulk Hogan under the guise of a Nanny, an Alien, and Santa Claus. One redefined the term 'shitty movie' under the direction of senile softcore porn director Tommy Wiseau. Some would even say that Katherine Heigel's whole career is a character study on bad films.

None however reach the level of atrocity as the 'dance flick' Saturday Night Fever. This steaming stinking pile of grade A monkey crap ruined American culture in the 1970s. The premise is hot garbage. The dialogue is unbearable. The acting is nothing short of unwatchable. And somehow this masterpiece of shit is celebrated by critics.

Saturday Night Fever is not only the worst film ever made, it is the worst thing to ever come out of New York (the place that gave us the New York Knicks, Fat Joe, and Mike "the Situation"). It is the downfall of American culture. It is disco studded eye rape. Every time that movie comes on....the terrorists win.

SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER

Starring: John "the Scientologist" Travolta, a bunch of other fucking obnoxious New Yorkers

Director: Joseph Stalin

Genre: Hot Garbage

Run-Time: 118 fucking minutes (1 hour, 58 minutes)

Plot:

19 year old Tony Manero dreams about one day destroying all self-respect and dignity by dancing like a puffy haired faggot for almost 2 hours.

The Good:

It eventually ends.

The Bad:

Every single thing.

The Rating:

I'm not even giving it 0 Chainsaws. That would put it in a league with far superior films like Encino Man, Santa with Muscles, and Meet the Spartans. What I will say is that Saturday Night Fever is a national tragedy along the lines of Pearl Harbor. It weakened our resolve, empowered our enemies, and ruined countless lives along the way. It is a VazPuig BORE-maggedon on a playing field of its own.

THE BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE...of the week

REBECCA BLACK

Need I say more? This 13 year old prophet shook the world to its core by reminding us how important that day after Thursday really is. The song of our generation brought to light some of our culture's deepest and darkest issues with a 3 minute social commentary that touched people from all walks of life. Issues like having to be "fresh" and having to go down stairs. The philosophical conundrum of deciding between sitting in the front seat or the back seat. Yes, we we we so excited about this young pop legend. FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN!!

 

Rosa Parks...sitting in the front seat

THE WORST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE...of the week

CLOWNS!!!!

Giant, Marauding, Godless Killing Machines. I've had it up to ten feet above my head with these red nosed sociopaths. These glorified balloon blowers are flesh eating maniacs hell bent on world domination. These white faced racists need to be locked up Guantanamo style, for every day that they roam  the streets...the terrorists win.

The Clown epidemic dates all the way back to the Battle of Thermopylae, where King Xerxes unleashed a horde of 70,000 Persian clowns (then known as 'the Immortals') to devour what was left of King Leonidas and his 300 soldiers. Since then we have seen generation after generation of clown induced tragedies. Dating back to 1700, 45 serial murderers were confirmed clowns including Jack the Ripper, Hitler, and John Wayne Gacy (Stalin was removed from this list when it was discovered his mother was half mime).

Ladies and Gentleman I warn you, take the clown threat seriously. If we do not act and act now, America will become reduced to wasteland of cheap magic tricks, balloon dogs and cackling maniacal face painted cannibals.

THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD

Hosni Mubarak

Hosni Mubarak is the perfect example of someone who is not bi-winning. This has nothing to do with the fact that he was an evil dictator who oppressed his people for 30 years. The real reason why he is the worst person in the world is because he's an evil dictator that GAVE-UP power at the first sign of revolution. I mean, come-on, are you seriously going to tell me that you'll treat your people like crap, then as soon as people start fighting back you start crying and give-up your position. You need to seriously drink some tiger blood and grow a spine. Look at Moammar Gaddhafi. Now I am not trying to say that killing your own people is in anyway ethical, but at least he did something. So all I am trying to say is that if you want to be an evil dictator, then grow a freaking spine. I know you cant though. You want to know why I know you cant? It is because, you are THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD.

BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD

Charlie Sheen

There are two kinds of people in this world: The WINNING and the not-winning. Charlie Sheen is definitely winning. Over the past two weeks he has been all over the media, and you want to know why? because he's a complete bamf, thats why. It all started when he did an interview for 20/20 and instead of letting some lady no one cares about make him feel like shit for snorting enough blow to kill China, he decides to stick it to the bitch and show to everybody how much of a bad-ass he truly is. After the interview the people from Webster's Dictionary had to add a few new words to their dictionaries. "Bi-winning"(the act of winning in multiple locations) and tiger blood(What runs through Sheen’s veins, making him all-powerful). He was also able to prove that it is possible to bone your kid's nanny and a pornstar...at the same time. Since coming out of the "Awesome-Closet", Charlie has been on possibly every single show from Howard Stern to the Dan Patrick Show. To most people, this would be so physically demanding that their bodies would decompose into a fiery grave, but not Charlie because he is THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.