Nicholas at the Movies

Very Bad Things

 

Starring: Jon Favraeu (Swingers, Director of Iron Man), Cameron Diaz (The Mask), Christian Slater (Alone in the Dark), Jeremy Piven (Entourage) and Daniel Stern (Home Alone, City Slickers)

Director: Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights

Year: 1998

Genre: Comedy - Very Dark

Run-Time: 100 Minutes (1 Hour and 40 Minutes)

Plot:

Bachelor Party in Vegas gone horribly, horribly, HORRIBLY wrong.

The Good:

Great Cast. Cameron Diaz looks really young and hot. Minus the one weird guy who isn't famous, all of the guys (Piven, Stern, Slater and Favraeu) play their parts to perfection. The plot is nothing special but the story is what separates this movie from the pack. This movie goes to such an extreme level of dark comedy that it reamins unmatched over 12 years later. 

The Bad:

There aren't any jokes in the movie. Nothing they say or do is really funny. All of the comedy is derived from the situation, not from jokes or acting.

The Review:

This is one of the most "Holy Fuck! What the Shit is Going On?!" movies I've ever seen. Evil Dead II is its only equal when it comes to unpredictability. Get ready cause this shit is crazy.

The Rating:

BOOMSTICK

 *** Instant Quez Classic ***

BAD ASS ROW + GREATEST QUOTES OF ALL TIME INDUCTEE

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

The word 'Bad Ass' gets throw around a lot these days. Sure some guys might be talented. Some can write or act really well. Some might even be really good at slamming a rubber ball through a net. But just because you're good at something doesn't make you a Bad Ass. No that word is reserved for members of what I call Bad Ass Row. Bruce Campbell. Aaron Rodgers. Lee Doren. These are true 'Bad Asses'. And equally deserving of the moniker is the Ultimate Austrian. Conan the Republican. Das Terminator. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

Mr. Universe. The First True Action Star in Movie History. Terminator. Predator. Governor of California. Arnold has done it all. He came here as an immigrant and lived the American Dream. He beat the likes of Lou Ferrigno to become Mr. Olympia 7 times. His Classics and his Bombs alike have provided countless classic quotes that span generations. He fucks a Kennedy every night and ran a state full of "Girly-Men" for 8 years. Arnold is the ultimate Bad Ass and proved it by being a BAMF in everything he does. 

For these reasons I'm proud to announce that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the newest member of 

BAD ASS ROW

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On top of being a member of Bad Ass Row, Arnold is a human quote machine. Therefore rather than post a million Arnold quotes, I'm going to post three separate videos: My FAVORITE ONE, ALL THE MR. FREEZE QUOTES, and A Video of 160 of His Best Quotes

"There is No BATHROOM!!!"

Mr. Freeze

The 160 Greatest

The Quez's BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG IN THE UNIVERSE: Close-Up edition

ELEVATORS

 

Elevators. Technological Advancement...or steel death trap from Hell. As M. Night Shyamalan taught in his instant classic "Devil", elevators are simply a tool used by Satan himself to murder strangers on his off days. Last time I checked there wasn't an elevator to heaven. That's because the good lord knew that quick transportation in a metal box was a devil's deed, not meant for man. 

This past week me and 40 or so of my closest friends nearly snapped to our death (Tower of Terror style) in one of these contraptions. Now I know what you're thinking, 40 people is way too many to fit into an elevator. While it is true that we were overweight by about 400 pounds, we are Americans. We live by our own rules. If we start caving in to this socialist agenda, telling us how many people can cram into a 10 foot metal box hanging by a string, then the terrorist wins. No we are not at fault. This was the elevator's fault for not carrying it's own weight (and ours for that matter) the way Americans are supposed to. That's why Elevators are this week's WORST PERSON IN THER UNIVERSE

 

The Quez's BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE: CLOSE-UP EDITION

LEE DOREN (aka. The Conservative Guy)

For those of us who went to Close Up, we were treated to a week in the heart of our nation's capital. For those of you who have never been to D.C., it's really an incredible place. It's a place full of exhaustive rhetoric, self-gratifying political agendas, and a largely unfavorable male to female ratio. In a way it's like we never left Belen.

One of the more interesting activities we participated in was a debate between a liberal and a conservative. This was a real treat for those of us who are interested in politics. In the unfortunately civil political climate that includes 3 major 24 hour news networks and countless pundits with big mouths and nice hair, we rarely get to see two partisan ideologues duke it out for our entertainment. But this is D.C., where the only thing more available than food stamps is partisan hackery.

And so we sat audience to a war of words. The debate ranged many different topics from affirmative action to environmental issues. And the longer the debate went on one thing became abundantly clear, the conservative (Lee Doren) was laying the smackdown on the liberal's candy ass. It was like watching Scorpion from Mortal Kombat take on Justin Bieber.  Not only was he beating down progressivism intellectually, he did it without famous pundit tactics such as Glenn Beck's theatrical meltdown, Bill O'Reilly's patented shout down, or Keith Olbermann's stupid bull shit. He proved that one can verbally destroy an opponent without stooping to the level of a four year old. For that reason Lee Doren is theis week's BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE

GONE TO CLOSE UP!

THE QUEZ GOES TO WASHINGTON

I have taken my talents to our nation's capitol to help fix our nations problems. Like my brothers before me I plan to solve the crisis in the Middle East, fix healthcare, lower taxes, and ban Taio Cruz from radio once and for all. See You In a Week BITCHES!