VAZPUIG MUSIC SPOTLIGHT: Halfway to Moksha

Halfway to Moksha - FRIDAY

Miami's Indie Film Scene: Shine On You Crazy Diamond

Miami is famous for many things: beaches and clubs perfuse with alcohol, the 'real' housewives, bi-weekly cocaine-driven sex parties, etc...  And while these things are certainly not "bad", per say, they have had the ill effect of diminishing Miami's presence as an artistic and cultural beacon.

What people see when they think Miami (side-boob)

Fortunately, A number of unsung heroes continue to fight this very prejudice by manipulating media with the artistry one only gains from success, failure, and a furious passion for creation. I'm talking about the indie film movement. Case in point: Mupalia Pictures. (see below for website)

Created from the ground up by college students Alex Jaramillo, Steven San Miguel, and Joaquin "Waco" Escobar; Mupalia Pictures represents the epitome of the positive sum game. This is because Mupalia Pictures has committed itself to the advancement of its contemporaries by providing unrivaled, professional quality video production while still earning a substantial profit. The filmmakers, bands, and rappers that have worked with Mupalia then go on to market their own product and, in doing so, Mupalia's production value as well. It is this interwoven network of performers, artists, and producers that strive to break Miami's superficial exterior.

Little by little the efforts of independent film makers in Miami have made a name for this city only to be slandered by shitty ass money hungry movies such as From Justin to Kelly, Bad Boys 1 and 2, 2 Fast 2 Furious, and countless others. Those outside of Miami need to realize that beyond the fake titis lies a core of movie makers unwilling to accept Miami's role as a vacation spot, but rather a cultured contributor to the world of cinema alongside L.A., New York, and Chicago. It is not until the world recognizes the talent born from the sun-scarred streets of Miami that these warriors will stop.

And for that,
Alec gives his Robot Goldfish Stamp of Approval

If you would like more information on Mupalia Productions or view a sample of their work please visit http://mupalia.com/ or contact Alex jaramillo at (305) 807-6891 or jara@mupalia.com

BLACKER THAN THE BLACKEST BLACK TIMES INFINITY - ASU gets new Uniforms

BLACK DEVILS

ASU unveiled their new logo, helmets and uniforms today. I have to admit...I love it. I love the new white on white combo. I like the new Basketball unis. I LOVE the new helmets. And the Black on Black is freaking awesome. I can't wait to see Vontaze terrorize QBs in this black nasty jersey. Beware Pac-12...ASU is Back in Black!

Why God Hates Hockey

Ladies and gentlemen the Lord is a simple man....that's right MAN...and as such he enjoys the simple pleasures of simple men. Power, violence, decapitation,  re-animation of the dead, just to name a few.

Among his favorite avocations lies competition. The evidence of this is overwhelming from the Hail Mary Pass, to the Immaculate Reception, to the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles of Anaheim or whatever the fuck they're called.

The point is God loves sports. But despite his enthrallment with athletics why does he hate hockey so much?

Is it the bone crushing checks?   

Alexander Ovechkin quotes Exodus 21:24, "a tooth for a tooth"  

The moral and physical hazard?

Is it the New Jersey Devils?

Actually, Its none of these things. In fact, God loves hockey! Here you can see his one and only son dominating between the pipes. No, God does not hate hockey....

God Hates Canadians!!! Once removed from the unholiest of unholy French, the Canadians represent all that is wrong with the world. Sitting idly by while God's Chosen People, Americans, fight terror, tyranny, Michael Moore, and douche bags everywhere. Not content with the honor of being America's hat, Canada unrelentingly and unrepentantly claim comradery with the United States of Awesome while simultaneously undermining freedom, democracy, and the glorious conquest of the Middle East. Grow a spine Canada! and until you do God will continue to hate you and hockey.

Hipsters Suck

Hipsters Suck

 Hipsters fucking suck. I had to say it. They MADE me. Every generation has had its obnoxious "subculture" that thinks it's ironic and hip. The Egyptians had the Hebrews. The 60s had the hippies. The 90s had that Seattle grunge bullshit. And we are stuck with hipsters, the venereal disease of American culture in the 21st century.


What is a hipster? Hipsters are the bastard children of the EMO generation and Andy Warhol's penis. They're the pretentious scumbags that hang around your local coffee shop at 4 in the afternoon talking about legalizing Hemp and how progressive the French are. These "people" think that socialism is a "great idea that was practiced wrong" and that any song you've ever heard of sucks. They're dumb enough to think they're Zen and buddhist despite the fact that smoke pot and abide by literally none of what that religion says. Their definition of hip and new is wearing their grandpa's clothes and reading Jack Kerouac.


Listen, you're "subculture" is stupid and you need to STFU. Mainstream music is popular...because it's freaking good. You're spoken word poetry isn't...because it sucks. No, you're novella isn't a breathtaking social commentary on consumerism. It's the whining petty manifesto of a 19 year old living at home who still can't get over the fact he isn't Allen Ginsberg's second coming. If socialism is such a great idea, then why has EVERY SINGLE example of it failed miserably? Maybe if you left the coffee shop, got a job and started paying your own damn rent, you'd realize that capitalism puts food on the table and taxes suck.

I have never seen a situation in which so many people with such limited knowledge of economics, literature and religion are somehow seen as the "progressive intellectuals that are moving this country forward". None of their ideas are original and I've never seen a hipster contribute anything to society, much less design a building, cure a disease or create a business that employs people and actually turns a profit. They're a bunch of over dramatic penises that need to get off their bean bags, leave the H&M scarf at home and do something productive for once.

VazPuig BORE-maggedon Spotlight

Any pretentious film student would tell you that there have been many abominations throughout the history of film. Some were made by the tireless efforts of the great Ed Wood. Some starred Hulk Hogan under the guise of a Nanny, an Alien, and Santa Claus. One redefined the term 'shitty movie' under the direction of senile softcore porn director Tommy Wiseau. Some would even say that Katherine Heigel's whole career is a character study on bad films.

None however reach the level of atrocity as the 'dance flick' Saturday Night Fever. This steaming stinking pile of grade A monkey crap ruined American culture in the 1970s. The premise is hot garbage. The dialogue is unbearable. The acting is nothing short of unwatchable. And somehow this masterpiece of shit is celebrated by critics.

Saturday Night Fever is not only the worst film ever made, it is the worst thing to ever come out of New York (the place that gave us the New York Knicks, Fat Joe, and Mike "the Situation"). It is the downfall of American culture. It is disco studded eye rape. Every time that movie comes on....the terrorists win.

SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER

Starring: John "the Scientologist" Travolta, a bunch of other fucking obnoxious New Yorkers

Director: Joseph Stalin

Genre: Hot Garbage

Run-Time: 118 fucking minutes (1 hour, 58 minutes)

Plot:

19 year old Tony Manero dreams about one day destroying all self-respect and dignity by dancing like a puffy haired faggot for almost 2 hours.

The Good:

It eventually ends.

The Bad:

Every single thing.

The Rating:

I'm not even giving it 0 Chainsaws. That would put it in a league with far superior films like Encino Man, Santa with Muscles, and Meet the Spartans. What I will say is that Saturday Night Fever is a national tragedy along the lines of Pearl Harbor. It weakened our resolve, empowered our enemies, and ruined countless lives along the way. It is a VazPuig BORE-maggedon on a playing field of its own.

THE BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE...of the week

REBECCA BLACK

Need I say more? This 13 year old prophet shook the world to its core by reminding us how important that day after Thursday really is. The song of our generation brought to light some of our culture's deepest and darkest issues with a 3 minute social commentary that touched people from all walks of life. Issues like having to be "fresh" and having to go down stairs. The philosophical conundrum of deciding between sitting in the front seat or the back seat. Yes, we we we so excited about this young pop legend. FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN!!

 

Rosa Parks...sitting in the front seat

THE WORST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE...of the week

CLOWNS!!!!

Giant, Marauding, Godless Killing Machines. I've had it up to ten feet above my head with these red nosed sociopaths. These glorified balloon blowers are flesh eating maniacs hell bent on world domination. These white faced racists need to be locked up Guantanamo style, for every day that they roam  the streets...the terrorists win.

The Clown epidemic dates all the way back to the Battle of Thermopylae, where King Xerxes unleashed a horde of 70,000 Persian clowns (then known as 'the Immortals') to devour what was left of King Leonidas and his 300 soldiers. Since then we have seen generation after generation of clown induced tragedies. Dating back to 1700, 45 serial murderers were confirmed clowns including Jack the Ripper, Hitler, and John Wayne Gacy (Stalin was removed from this list when it was discovered his mother was half mime).

Ladies and Gentleman I warn you, take the clown threat seriously. If we do not act and act now, America will become reduced to wasteland of cheap magic tricks, balloon dogs and cackling maniacal face painted cannibals.