This Week in War...

REPORTERS VS. BUGS

Since the beginning of televised news, a bloody struggle has existed between fancy haired reporters and spotlight seeking insects. While it can be said that insects have been at war with the human race in general, they have been known to specifically target effeminate news casters. This is thought to be part of a guerrilla tactic meant to create insect propaganda and inspire other bugs to commit similar terrorist acts. While the war is far from over we should reflect on some of the more recent encounters and see who appears to be winning.

The Battle at Augusta High School:

BUGS - 1

REPORTER - 0

The Weatherman Ambush

BUGS - 2

REPORTER - 0

The Insect Armada

   BUGS - 2

REPORTER - 1

As we can see, bugs are not only dangerous...they're racist too. Sure it's only newscaster right now. But soon they will be in your living room. Terrifying you abuelas.

Quez Craptastic

QUEZ CRAPTASTIC #1:

ALONE IN THE DARK

Stare into the face of evil. Every hardcore video game fan shutters at the idea that Uwe Boll goes anywhere near their favorite franchise. His ventures into video game cinema have given birth to some of the worst films of all time. If House of the Dead wasn't bad enough, Bloodrayne will give you plenty to scream about.

However if Uwe Boll is the Stanley Kubrick of shit, Alone in the Dark is his 2001 A Space Odyssey. A symphony of shittiness unlike anything ever seen before. To say the writing is awful doesn't even scratch the surface. The movie literally begins with five minutes of text, punishing the moviegoer into doing the one thing he hates to do at the movies: read. The action sequences are awful and the cast (Christian Slater and Tara Reid) make me want stick my head in a microwave. 

Alone in the Dark is in the running for the worst movie ever made. It is horrible enough to piss you off, but not bad enough to even make it enjoyable to laugh at.

Lizard Man

QUEZ CLASSIC: EVIL DEAD II

"Groovy"

Evil Dead II is not a movie. Evil Dead II is an experience. The most unpredictable 84 minutes in movie history.

Evil Dead II is the story of a man named Ashley J. Williams. A guy with a girl's name who replaces his own hand with a chainsaw (which he can somehow start with his teeth) and fights "Deadites" who have the power to kill, possess, and tree rape. 

While the first is undoubtedly a Quez Classic on its own, the sequel/remake is on another level. Never has a film series directed by the same person strayed so far from the original that it actually needs a recap of the last movie so events and characters can be changed so drastically. Three characters from the first are completely erased. A rickety wooden bridge barely hanging over a river is now a five lane highway over a cliff. Ash has somehow changed from a quiet soft hero to a chainsaw wielding bad ass with a sawed off shotgun.

With all this in mind, Evil Dead II somehow managed to become the greatest movie ever made. It's scary, hilarious, ridiculous, unpredictable, and just plain fucking awesome. If you haven't seen this movie you need to run to Best Buy, buy all 3 (Evil dead, Evil Dead II, and Army of Darkness), and get all your friends together. Because as I said before, Evil Dead II is not a movie. It's an experience.

Borg Obama

In a stunning turn of events, Barack Obama announced today that he intends to run in the 2012 Presidential Election as a member of the Borg. For those unfamiliar with the Borg, they are a race of cybernetic drones that assimilate any carbon based life form they come into contact with.

The announcement was hailed by some as the most progressive political move since Jimmy Carter revealed himself to be a hipster. Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had this to say, "Today we reached a milestone in this country's history. This is a massive step foward in the long struggle to help the Borg assimilate all of us."

The announcement was not met without controversy however. Klingons were furious with the President after weeks of speculation led them to believe that Obama would indeed run as Klingon in the upcoming election. Sarah Palin called the move "pure socialism" in her hourly twitter update.

The move has already led to substantial changes in the President's 2012 platform:

1. White House to be turned into Borg cube

2. Joe Biden will now officially be known as 'Seven of Nine'

3. $300 billion of new spending for time traveling Borg ejection ball

4. Nuclear Arms Treaty with China

While Hope and Change remain the campaign's slogan, it will now come with the aggressive reminder that Resistance is Futile.

The Quez's WORST, MOST DISGUSTING DOUCHEBAG IN THE UNIVERSE...of the week

YOGI BEAR! (IN 3-D)

 

 

 Yogi Bear: Loveable Tie-wearing Bear....or Marauding 3D Killing Machine with Communist Sympathies??? There's no telling what this beasts true intentions are, but all signs point towards the worst. First and foremost Yogi Bear is a talking animal. To my knowledge animals can only do this under two scenarios: 

 

1) It's a bird named Polly who wants a cracker or 

2) He has signed some sort of blood pact with Satan himself. 

 

 On top of this he wears human clothes. Seeing as Abercrombie has a strict NO BEARS ONLY TWINKS policy, it is likely that his attire are the only remnants of his first victims. 

And then there is the fact he is a bear. Bears have been nothing but trouble for humanity since their discovery in 1912 (the same year the Titanic went down). They've established communist regimes in Russia, eaten little gold haired girls, and quit in the middle of the NFC Championship game. They're sneaky, evil and dangerous.

 

 

 

 

.......also the movie sucked. 

 

The Quez's BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE...of the week

B.J. RAJI!!!!

He goes by many names. The Freezer. The 400 pound interception. The Big Muenster. And now he can add BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE to his resume. Last week B.J. Raji did his best Kool-Aid impression in the NFC championship game by intercepting stud 3rd string QB Caleb Hanie, and plopping his way into the end zone. 

His 18 yard interception return set a new NFL-record for longest return by a total fat ass. The interception put 7 much needed points on the board, but more importantly the 3 and a half minutes it took B.J. Raji to run 18 yards took precious time off the clock and killed any chance of a comeback for the Chicago Bears.

But taking the Green Bay Packers to the Super Bowl isn't the reason he made this list. No what B.J. Raji did was much more than that. In the gloomy and deeply depressing political/social climate of post-recession (?) America, Raji reminded us all that no matter how bad things get...there will always be a fat man there to score a touchdown and remind us what is really important.

Open Wide...You're About to get QUEZZED!

This is the first entry of what is soon to be the greatest website in human history. The Quez has finally brought his talents to the internet and plans to answer all of life's greatest questions. Is there a God? Why is China gaining on us economically? Why do Loudres girls look like mailmen? All will be answered right here on the Quez's guide to life.